A Few Things I Love About Motherhood…

1. While rocking my precious one in the dark before putting her to bed, listening to the soft slurping sound of her sucking her thumb, I felt that pudgy little hand reach up, find my face and softly pat my cheek.
2. Looking closely into the face of my sweet, pig-tailed two-year old, at her bright smile and squishy round cheeks I say, “Give Mommy a kiss-kiss?” I lean in, nearly nose-to-nose, looking at those big round smiling eyes as her mouth forms not a cute fishy pucker but a big open circle and greets me with a BURRRRP!
3. Taking the kids out to breakfast at Cracker Barrel and while waiting for it to arrive, my four-year old princess points to a picture of a pretty blond on an advertisement and says, “Look Mommy! Hannah Montana!” “No, sweetie,” I say. “That’s Dolly Parton.” A blank look. “Oh.” Wow - I instantly feel a lot more dated!
4. Laying in the dark with my sweet heart, I feel her reach over, feeling around for something. She finds my hand and pulls it around her in a warm, snuggly hug.
5. The knowledge that any time I have ever wanted my son to take a nap, no matter how resistant he may be to the idea, I can win and have him snoring away as long as I will lay with him, rubbing his bare back, then his neck and finally his hair. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred it will work, even now. Of course this is if I don't fall asleep first!!
6. And if he's running around crazy and I want him to instantly calm down, I reach out as he whizzes past, get him to stand still long enough for me to ask him a question or tell him something as I strategically start rubbing his hair. I can let go as if to let him be on his way again, but often times he will resist the cast-off and snuggle up to me saying something like, "Keep doing it, Mommy. Keep rubbing my hair." I can usually get him to stand calmly, snuggled up to me, for at least five minutes like that. Then when he does run off again, he's at least a gear or two lower than when I snagged him.
7. It amazes me how you can know your child is going to throw up before they ever do it just by looking at their face. And then even more amazing is how you find yourself rushing in without hesitation to catch the puke in your double-cupped hands before it hits the pillow so that you won’t have to change the bed sheets!
8. It’s interesting to me to realize how much more capable I can be on so little sleep than I ever imagined possible. This coming from someone who once relished 12 hours of sleep per night on the weekends and whose family knew to never call before noon! I have become quite good at functioning on very little sleep and/or continuously disrupted sleep whether through those newborn months with round the clock feedings or through various stages where all three children have EACH woken me up at different times throughout the night EVERY night!
9. Poopy Faces! Sounds gross I know, but the expressions that my kids make while pushing out the poop are so funny! It’s almost like a smile, but not. The eyes get a little strained, the sides of the mouth curl up a little like the beginnings of a smile but the lips don’t part. Then after the impending wet “Plop!” their faces relax and the incessant chatter returns as if there had never been the slightest interruption!
10. That most wonderful sound of a true, deep belly laugh that can only be achieved through the best of tickle-attacks. They are lost in a blissful world of sensation almost completely unable to catch their breath from laughing so hard. And as soon as you stop and they find themselves able to breathe again, they giggle out with eyes still dancing, “Again! Again!”
11. The pride my six-year old son exudes when he talks to a new adult, eagerly introducing himself, introducing both of his sisters, telling all of their ages and then sharing a drawing at hand or recounting an accomplishment or a new experience he’s just had. His eyes dance, his grin ear-to-ear, his dimples so deep. And you can just see and feel how proud he feels while talking to this adult, holding their undivided attention.
12. One thing I definitely don’t like about motherhood is the feeling of failure. We mothers expect way too much of ourselves, feel like we have to be the master of everything, feel like everyone is judging us and our ability as a mother, worry that our kids are going to see right through us, not respect us, or worse, end up hating us. But just as I start feeling so down and upset because my kids obey my husband so much better than me… they get a boo-boo. Or they wake up in the middle of the night. Or they can’t find something. And who do they come to? Mommy. They want Mommy’s love to heal that boo-boo or chase away the bad dreams or help them find that lost treasure. When they come to me to ask me a question or to show me a new, exciting find, my heart swells with pride and joy and I feel loved and successful all over again. I feel like I am doing it right! I am a good Mommy! I may not be the perfect Mommy, but no one other than God will ever love them more or be willing to doing more for them than me, their Mommy!
13. We had started letting my six year old son take showers on his own rather than getting a bath with his sisters. The tub was getting a bit too crowded and Mommy was getting a little more than soaked with each bath. I forget how it came about, but several months later, I ended up bathing Jared separately after the girls rather than having him shower on his own. While bathing him, I commented to him on how much I was enjoying bathing him and how I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed it. He seemed somewhat confused by the comment so I tried to explain but figured much of my explanation about him being my first-born was lost on him. A couple nights later I told him that I was about to bathe the girls and then I wanted him to get into the shower when they were done. He said, “No, Mommy. I want you to bathe me tonight.” I said, “Oh really? How come?” His reply was so sweet, “because I know how much you miss it.”

Live Your Life with No Regrets!

Hey y'all! I know I haven't posted in QUITE a while, which is actually rather ironic considering the title of my last blog! But anyway, I just had these thoughts running through my head this morning and thought I'd jot them down. I was getting ready for church and kept running over and over a situation with my kids yesterday during a party we hosted and regretting how I'd handled it (or rather didn't handle it well enough). It was nothing major, a small disciplinary issue with my kids. But afterwards I was, and continued being all night long, totally self-conscious about what kind of parent my friends were thinking I was (too strict, too lax, I should let up, I should whip them into shape, etc) and I hated that feeling. I hate feeling that sick ick in my stomach when I have regret. And I use that word carefully because I usually pride myself on not having regret. I firmly believe that my life and the person I am, is the sum total of my experiences and my decisions. So, today I reminded myself that I can't have regrets. I should just make a decision to handle that situation differently next time and move on. My friends, who are truly my friends, will continue to love me and will forgive my flaws. So, below are the thoughts that I jotted down and thought I'd share. I hope you all had a Wonderfully God Blessed weekend!

PS - I'll offer a real update into the lives of the Marzullos later on.... soon, hopefully.


Live Your Life with No Regrets

Live your life with no regrets! That doesn’t mean live your life like there’s no tomorrow, living with abandon. That means live life honestly, loyally, truly. Love your husband intently in case tomorrow doesn’t come. Smother your kids and drive them up the wall by kissing them and hugging them and chasing them around to pinch their little tooshies!! Tell all of your loved ones how special they are and how much of an impact they've had on your life. Write them a note - they'll probably cherish if forever. Be smart with your money. Live BELOW your means. Create margin in your life.

Living without regret also doesn’t mean letting opportunity pass you by. Don't live in a box like a hermit because you're being too frugal or too serious or working yourself to death. Have fun! Smartly budget your money and your time so that when opportunity does come along you can freely, at the drop of a hat (or at least with minimal effort), go on that vacation, buy that car, have that fun gadget, go to that show. You should be able to enjoy life and feel truly happy and free, rather than trapped or burdened. Get out of debt! Stay out of debt!

When necessary, swallow your pride and say you’re sorry. Keep open communication so that if someone else needs to say they’re sorry, they can realize the hurt they’ve caused (possibly without knowing) and can right the wrong. Don’t hold grudges - grudges are poison to your body and spirit. Give second chances.

Love Yourself!!! We are always our own worst enemy! After having been stretched to such enormous lengths by three pregnancies (one of which was large twins), I realize that my previous dislike of my figure before kids was unnecessary and too harsh and never again will I have that body back. So I have to love the one I'm in now.

Let God Love You! He already loves you. We're the ones who can't forgive ourselves for our misdeeds. Letting someone else love us and forgive us is sometimes very hard to do... but He wants you to let Him!

If you're like me and have a two-second memory (on a good day!), learn to appreciate your SHORT short-term memory. Sometimes being naive is great, especially when it means you let go of and forget the things that had upset you so much in the moment.

So, think about it. Do it. Live Your Life with No Regret!!!

Help! I'm Blogging and I Can't Shut Up!

I just find it kinda funny that I have had dry spells, going without nary a post for months, and then here I've posted seven times in the last 24 hours!!! Eight if you count this one!! Hee hee. I guess I'll try to take a break for a good (too short) nights sleep. Nighty, Night!

1,000,002 uses for Duct Tape!

I truly marvel at how you can leave a 3 yr old and a 5 yr old alone for just a few minutes and return to find such amazing dishevelment and destruction! I left the room looking like this





and returned to find it like this





I freaked when I thought they'd broken the crib completely but was happy to discover they'd only disassembled it. Yes, they stood there, not moving, with looks on their faces like... "HE/SHE did it!!!"

However, before I could reassemble the crib tonight and put it back together, I had to pull out the ol' handy dandy DUCT TAPE!!! You see the crib mattress makes for the best entertainment when used as a trampoline! The kids have had a BLAST jumping on it and yes, I try to holler at them every time... well nearly every time... sometimes I figure they're not bleeding or killing each other right now so, oh what the heck, just let 'em jump for a minute! Oh and of course they also have a blast when Jared "falls" underneath the mattress and Abigail "falls" on top of it, feels this "odd lump" below and proceeds to jump endlessly on top of the mattress to "figure out" what's under there. All the while, Jared is below oomph'ing and giggling away! Unfortunately, their past time has turned the mattress into this.






It finally died... split at the seams... foam "innards" starting to pour out. Yet! I cannot concede to pay money for another mattress that, if Rachel follows the lead of her big brother and sister, will only be used for another six months max (Monkey Boy Jared crawled out of this crib at 17 months to my utter horror and dismay and Abigail was out at 22 months!). I will not give in that easily! So, out comes the duct tape (and yes, the kids' safety scissors)! Oh and also the packing tape when I ran out of my duct tape since we have oh so much of THAT laying around right now - click here for the details on our house selling fiasco that has left us with many a box and many a roll of packing tape. So, anyway, I "mended" the mattress and we're back in business again.





So do you think this was one of the uses that the inventors of Duct Tape expected for their product?

I Will Not Be Broken - 5 Steps to Overcoming a Life Crisis

Okay, so this is funny. I love how God lines things up sometimes!!! Here I had a rough time today and posted about it below. I feel better now. And I can happily stand and say that I survived our loss, praise be to God for that. And then this evening I found this post from Robin at Around the Island. Please go visit her post. ANYONE who has suffered any trauma in their lives, be it "the loss of a loved one, or a serious illness, or the loss of a job, or the breakup of a marriage, or any one of a thousand other tragedies and crises that turn our lives into chaos in a single moment" would benefit from reading her post entitled I Will Not Be Broken - 5 Steps to Overcoming a Life Crisis .

God Bless!!

Lil' Miss Soggy Bottom

Is this just too funny or what? I've seen some soggy, saggy bottoms before but this one tops them all. That diaper just can't hang any lower!!

Will This Pain Ever Go Away?

Today was one of those days. I was going along just fine until I saw them. I do fine for so long. I think about her often but I'm okay. Then there are days like today when I feel that horrible stab of pain in my heart and feel the tears well up from out of now where. The "them" I refer to was a beautiful set of twin girls at the gym today. I've seen them before. They are so cute. They look to be about 3 1/2 years old. Obviously twins, yet obviously fraternal. Sitting in their little class of about 5-6 kids taking swimming lessons. Their eyes dancing with joy at the splashing and the fun. Then when class is over, Mom comes and picks them both up. They're so beautiful. That's how my girls would be. My 3 1/2 year old daughter Abigail was a twin. I often think of her sister, Jessica, and long to see them playing together and having fun like these twin girls were doing. I'm usually fine with reminding myself that God had other plans for her and for our family when he chose to take her home. But today seeing those girls looking just as know Abigail and Jessica would look together, I found myself fighting tears and feeling that horrible stabbing pain in my chest again. I know God has a plan for our lives. I know that we only see the tiniest little pieces of that plan. I know that my baby Jessica is with him and I will see her again. I also know that if we hadn't lost Jessica, we wouldn't have had Rachel and I would never trade away my baby girl. I just wish that I could fill back in that dotted line in our family portrait where Jessica should be standing. I want to see our full family portrait with my son, both of my twin girls and my baby girl Rachel. It's frustrating! It's annoying! It makes me angry when I start to fall apart like this all over again! The logical side of me says, "Buck up! Move on!" The mommy in me is dying to have my baby girl back... or as Abigail almost angrily corrects me, "I'm a BIG girl! I'm not a BABY!" ... So, I want my now BIG girl back. I've always secretly dreamed that one day I would receive this phone call saying that someone found her and she was coming home. All I had to do was go pick her up and everything would be okay again. As if she'd only been lost or hiding. Oh this makes me mad! I know I shouldn't wish for such things. My heart just aches and it's a wonderful escape, if only for a moment, to imagine having my baby girl home with me.

OK - deep breath, wipe my face off ..... I can do this...

I guess for those of you who don't know me, you're wondering what I'm talking about. So, as I second and triple guess whether I should post my worst heart ache to the world or not, here it goes... here are all of the details.


First, here's the joyful part of how/when I found out we were having twins:

When I went in for my first doctors appointment for my second pregnancy I was so excited. We had gotten pregnant on the second try and that meant that Jared would be only 20 months old when his new baby brother or sister was born. I loved knowing they would be so close in age. I had kept track of my cycles so I knew that I was about 9 weeks pregnant at the time of this appointment. However, when the doctor did her exam, she said, “Hmm. Your uterus feels larger than I would expect for this gestational age. I’d like to get an ultrasound and check things out. Either you’re further along than you think or you could be having twins.” I thought to myself, “Yeah, right. I know darn well when I had my last cycle so I know I’m not further along. And I’m sure that it’s not twins because I don’t have twins in my family!” (While I now understand that you can have twins even if they don’t run in the family, I did talk to my grandparents later and found out that there were twins about five generations back. Kinda neat to learn.) But I was all for an ultrasound because I would love to see my baby!! Even if it was just a “blob” at this early stage. I laid down on the table and low and behold just as soon as the image popped up on the screen it was as obvious as could be – TWINS!!! I was ecstatic! I was so overjoyed. I could not stop smiling. My first thought was, “Wow! God has blessed me with TWO babies!!!” I was so excited!!! But I had to get my poker face ready and believe me when I say that I normally have the worst poker face on earth!!! I found out we were having twins at 1:00pm. I had to first go home and pick up Jared from my neighbor’s house and act like nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Later that day, I talked to Mom on the phone and again couldn't say a word! I had to wait until 10:00pm that night until John came home from a work-related event to be able to spill the beans!! All day I thought about how I was going to spring the news on him. It had to be something creative. So, I decided to cut out these colorful letters and tape them to the big bathroom mirror. John always comes in and immediately changes clothes and washes his face. Since our closet is in the bathroom it would be the first place he would go. That night when he finally got home, he walked into the bathroom, turned on the light and just stopped! He didn’t say a word! Unfortunately, I was standing behind him and couldn't see his face and he wouldn’t turn around because he’d heard me turn on the camera with the hopes of getting a shot of his expression! He just stood there speechless for a long while. He later said he wouldn't have believed me except for the four undeniable ultrasound photos taped below the message. It was so funny! It was great! He was a little freaked out… immediately started talking about some of the financial implications and how this was going to change things regarding hiking trips (how do you carry three infant/toddlers with only two people on a rugged trail?) and our hopes of getting a boat in the next couple of months (how do you hold onto one active toddler and two wee ones on a boat?). But ultimately he warmed to the idea quite well! In fact we started talking about names and had solidly decided on them before I was even out of the first trimester!



Fast forward seven months or so….


These were taken 5 days before we delivered. I love the one with Jared poking mommy's HUGE belly with a toy! This dress was about all I could wear at the end!

Abigail and Jessica had been breech for most of the pregnancy. We had wanted a regular vaginal birth but had scheduled a c-section at 37 weeks since it is a safer method than trying to deliver breech babies. Our c-section was scheduled for Thursday, October 28th. On Sunday, October 24th, I had commented to John about how active Jessica was being that day. She was really kicking and moving around whereas she was normally the less active of the two. Monday, Jessica seemed to have returned to her less active ways, only moving a little here and there, but I felt like everything was fine since I still kept feeling movement on her side (she was on my right and Abigail was on my left). On Tuesday, October 26th we went for our last ultrasound appointment just to double check that they were both still breech (and therefore I still required a c-section) and to ask any last questions we may have had. Mom (who had all but moved in with us over the last month or more to help since I was so huge and was having so many Braxton Hicks contractions that I had basically put myself on bed rest), Jared and I all loaded into the van and met John at the OB office. Mom kept Jared in the waiting room while John and I went in for the ultrasound. The ultrasound technician, Joyce, started out examining ‘baby A,’ which we had already decided was Abigail, and said that Abigail looked great. Then she moved over to my right side to check ‘baby B’ (Jessica) and mentioned that Jessica had turned. She was now head down. I was very surprised by this because I really didn’t think she had enough room to turn or that I would feel a lot of discomfort if she did turn since both girls were so big and I certainly didn't have any room left to stretch! John and I started talking and laughing about various things while Joyce continued her examination. I will never forget what happened next. Joyce put her hand on my arm and said “Becky, I’m afraid we have a problem.” I immediately looked at the screen and knew what she was saying. After having had so many ultrasounds throughout this pregnancy, I immediately recognized what I was looking at when I looked at the screen. She had the screen showing the lines for the heart rate and instead of being wavy like they always had been in the past, the lines were flat. She said, “’Baby B’ doesn’t have a heart beat.” All I could say over and over was “No, God, No!” John and I grabbed each other and sobbed and sobbed. I asked Joyce, “Are you sure?!” She offered to look again, but I told her no, I could see the lines. John and I cried for a long time. Finally one of the doctors came in to talk to us. We told her that we wanted to get Abigail out as soon as possible to make sure she was ok. Dr. Fairbrother told us that they had already called the hospital and they were expecting us. John drove us in his car while Mom and Jared followed in the van behind us. We made phone calls to my sister, my dad, John’s mom, John’s dad, and his best friend, James on the way to the hospital. We asked for Frank, who is a preacher, to pray for us and asked James, who lived nearby, to loan us a camera since we wanted to photograph the girls’ birth but didn’t have ours with us. Kathy was already at the hospital when we walked in. As soon as I saw her I fell apart all over again. Daddy and Lynn got there soon after we had checked in. We ended up having to wait until 9pm that night to deliver but thankfully Abigail came out beautiful and healthy and screamed with the most wonderful set of lungs when she was born. When Jessica came out, I looked to John and asked, “Is she?” and he said no, she wasn’t alive. I had held onto hope because even though I knew what I saw on the ultrasound, I kept feeling movement on her side of my belly during our drive to the hospital. We agreed later that it must have been Abigail pushing her. One of my most treasured photos is the one of Abigail and Jessica side by side in the operating room proving that through this nightmare, we really did give girth to two beautiful twin baby girls – Abigail Faith (7 lb 9 oz) and Jessica Lynn (7 lb 11 oz).



........

..... clear throat, deep breath....

........

Having cried through writing most of this, and again every time I re-read it and proof-read it, I must say I'm feeling better now. It's amazing how therapeutic writing really is. Anyway, I do hope that I can use my experience of losing Jessica to help other women suffering loss (today is just one of my weak days). I want people to know how wonderful God is. How loving He is. How he provides and is your strength when you need Him most. Through your weakness, God is glorified. And I thank Him so much for blessing us with even that brief time with our beautiful daughter, Jessica. She is my angel in heaven. And I am still the mother of four!

Dresses for My Girly Girl

Grandma Jill sent a wonderful surprise package to Abigail the other day. My girly girl loves pretty dresses and Grandma found a couple that she couldn't pass up for the price!! Abigail's eyes lit up at soon as she saw them. And as soon as she was in them, she was off spinning in cirlces till she made herself dizzy!!! Thank you Grandma Jill!

Kiss My Grits!

Tonight, I opted for a "breakfast for dinner" dinner. I made pancakes, eggs, sausage, and grits. I loooove breakfast food and the kids would eat pancakes and waffles 24/7 if I allowed them! The older kids turn up their noses at grits (what kind of southern kids am I raising here?!?!) but Rachel decided that she quite enjoyed them! Well, until she was full.... and then she continued to enjoy them... enjoyed squooshing them and rubbing them all over herself like a nice exfoliating body rub!!

As with most toddlers, food doesn't always make it to her mouth. Sometimes her toes get quite hungry as well!

Thankfully, today, being the beautiful summer day that it was, offered a nicely warmed kiddy pool waiting in the back yard for her "bath." I took her diaper off, dumped several little buckets full of nice warm water over her to wash off the grits in the grass and then let her have fun in the "tub." Yes, we do own a perfectly good real tub inside the house but this one was much more enjoyable tonight! :) We'll use the real one tomorrow.

Bathe your Kids, Not the Bathroom!

It's Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday!! This is the day I look forward to all week (yes, I do have a life. I just really look forward to this post!) because Shannon, at Rocks in My Dryer, hosts her Works for Me Wednesdays blog carnival where I can get all kinds of wonderful tips and tid bits that have helped me in so many ways! Tips from food preparation, to kids crafts, to de-funking smelly dish towels and other funky smelling laundry!!! Today is my first ever WFMW post but I share this tip with every mom of small kids that I meet. It really works for me!!


Splish splash, I was taking a bath,
Long about a Saturday night…

One of the best tips I ever read in a parenting magazine was to buy a clear shower curtain. Every kid loves to splash. They have so much fun and their little faces light up with the biggest grins! My face, however, not quite so cheery. Instead of thinking about how much fun my little ones were having, I was grimacing at how much cleaning I would have to do afterwards. I would watch as water cascaded down the walls and cabinet doors and mirror! As much as I might want to be that easy-going mom who can relish her kids joy and shrug her shoulders at a little bit of extra work sopping up the bathroom floor, that’s just not me. So, when I read this tip, I felt I’d hit upon a goldmine. Go to the dollar store or WalMart and buy a regular old CLEAR shower curtain. If you must have the matching bathroom ensemble which includes the cutesy shower curtain, just use the clear one behind it and toss the cute non-see-through curtain over the top of the curtain rod during bath time. As soon as you feel your kids are old enough to not have a constant hand on them, pull the clear shower curtain closed. Tip: we have a fiberglass tub/shower so I wet the side walls and smooth the curtain to the wetness to create a seal keeping the water from coming out the sides. Once the curtain is pulled, I tell the kids, “Alright! Go for it!!! SPLASH!!! SPLASH!!! SPLASH!!! C’mon! Harder!! SPLASH!!!” They have an absolute blast! Their eyes are squeezed tight, mouths open in a wonderful laugh, arms are flailing every direction slapping the water and splashing as big as they can! I only call them down when it starts going over the top of the shower rod and onto my head! Oh, and of course, if they are bathing with a sibling who isn’t enjoying the robust fun, they must either calm their splashing down or turn around with their back to the sibling and splash the other way. This way I can allow them to have fun yet I can keep an eye on them and know they are being safe.

This is something that REALLY works for me.

Head on over to Rocks in My Dryer for a treasure trove of more tips and tid bits that may make your life just a little bit easier!!