Will This Pain Ever Go Away?

Today was one of those days. I was going along just fine until I saw them. I do fine for so long. I think about her often but I'm okay. Then there are days like today when I feel that horrible stab of pain in my heart and feel the tears well up from out of now where. The "them" I refer to was a beautiful set of twin girls at the gym today. I've seen them before. They are so cute. They look to be about 3 1/2 years old. Obviously twins, yet obviously fraternal. Sitting in their little class of about 5-6 kids taking swimming lessons. Their eyes dancing with joy at the splashing and the fun. Then when class is over, Mom comes and picks them both up. They're so beautiful. That's how my girls would be. My 3 1/2 year old daughter Abigail was a twin. I often think of her sister, Jessica, and long to see them playing together and having fun like these twin girls were doing. I'm usually fine with reminding myself that God had other plans for her and for our family when he chose to take her home. But today seeing those girls looking just as know Abigail and Jessica would look together, I found myself fighting tears and feeling that horrible stabbing pain in my chest again. I know God has a plan for our lives. I know that we only see the tiniest little pieces of that plan. I know that my baby Jessica is with him and I will see her again. I also know that if we hadn't lost Jessica, we wouldn't have had Rachel and I would never trade away my baby girl. I just wish that I could fill back in that dotted line in our family portrait where Jessica should be standing. I want to see our full family portrait with my son, both of my twin girls and my baby girl Rachel. It's frustrating! It's annoying! It makes me angry when I start to fall apart like this all over again! The logical side of me says, "Buck up! Move on!" The mommy in me is dying to have my baby girl back... or as Abigail almost angrily corrects me, "I'm a BIG girl! I'm not a BABY!" ... So, I want my now BIG girl back. I've always secretly dreamed that one day I would receive this phone call saying that someone found her and she was coming home. All I had to do was go pick her up and everything would be okay again. As if she'd only been lost or hiding. Oh this makes me mad! I know I shouldn't wish for such things. My heart just aches and it's a wonderful escape, if only for a moment, to imagine having my baby girl home with me.

OK - deep breath, wipe my face off ..... I can do this...

I guess for those of you who don't know me, you're wondering what I'm talking about. So, as I second and triple guess whether I should post my worst heart ache to the world or not, here it goes... here are all of the details.


First, here's the joyful part of how/when I found out we were having twins:

When I went in for my first doctors appointment for my second pregnancy I was so excited. We had gotten pregnant on the second try and that meant that Jared would be only 20 months old when his new baby brother or sister was born. I loved knowing they would be so close in age. I had kept track of my cycles so I knew that I was about 9 weeks pregnant at the time of this appointment. However, when the doctor did her exam, she said, “Hmm. Your uterus feels larger than I would expect for this gestational age. I’d like to get an ultrasound and check things out. Either you’re further along than you think or you could be having twins.” I thought to myself, “Yeah, right. I know darn well when I had my last cycle so I know I’m not further along. And I’m sure that it’s not twins because I don’t have twins in my family!” (While I now understand that you can have twins even if they don’t run in the family, I did talk to my grandparents later and found out that there were twins about five generations back. Kinda neat to learn.) But I was all for an ultrasound because I would love to see my baby!! Even if it was just a “blob” at this early stage. I laid down on the table and low and behold just as soon as the image popped up on the screen it was as obvious as could be – TWINS!!! I was ecstatic! I was so overjoyed. I could not stop smiling. My first thought was, “Wow! God has blessed me with TWO babies!!!” I was so excited!!! But I had to get my poker face ready and believe me when I say that I normally have the worst poker face on earth!!! I found out we were having twins at 1:00pm. I had to first go home and pick up Jared from my neighbor’s house and act like nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Later that day, I talked to Mom on the phone and again couldn't say a word! I had to wait until 10:00pm that night until John came home from a work-related event to be able to spill the beans!! All day I thought about how I was going to spring the news on him. It had to be something creative. So, I decided to cut out these colorful letters and tape them to the big bathroom mirror. John always comes in and immediately changes clothes and washes his face. Since our closet is in the bathroom it would be the first place he would go. That night when he finally got home, he walked into the bathroom, turned on the light and just stopped! He didn’t say a word! Unfortunately, I was standing behind him and couldn't see his face and he wouldn’t turn around because he’d heard me turn on the camera with the hopes of getting a shot of his expression! He just stood there speechless for a long while. He later said he wouldn't have believed me except for the four undeniable ultrasound photos taped below the message. It was so funny! It was great! He was a little freaked out… immediately started talking about some of the financial implications and how this was going to change things regarding hiking trips (how do you carry three infant/toddlers with only two people on a rugged trail?) and our hopes of getting a boat in the next couple of months (how do you hold onto one active toddler and two wee ones on a boat?). But ultimately he warmed to the idea quite well! In fact we started talking about names and had solidly decided on them before I was even out of the first trimester!



Fast forward seven months or so….


These were taken 5 days before we delivered. I love the one with Jared poking mommy's HUGE belly with a toy! This dress was about all I could wear at the end!

Abigail and Jessica had been breech for most of the pregnancy. We had wanted a regular vaginal birth but had scheduled a c-section at 37 weeks since it is a safer method than trying to deliver breech babies. Our c-section was scheduled for Thursday, October 28th. On Sunday, October 24th, I had commented to John about how active Jessica was being that day. She was really kicking and moving around whereas she was normally the less active of the two. Monday, Jessica seemed to have returned to her less active ways, only moving a little here and there, but I felt like everything was fine since I still kept feeling movement on her side (she was on my right and Abigail was on my left). On Tuesday, October 26th we went for our last ultrasound appointment just to double check that they were both still breech (and therefore I still required a c-section) and to ask any last questions we may have had. Mom (who had all but moved in with us over the last month or more to help since I was so huge and was having so many Braxton Hicks contractions that I had basically put myself on bed rest), Jared and I all loaded into the van and met John at the OB office. Mom kept Jared in the waiting room while John and I went in for the ultrasound. The ultrasound technician, Joyce, started out examining ‘baby A,’ which we had already decided was Abigail, and said that Abigail looked great. Then she moved over to my right side to check ‘baby B’ (Jessica) and mentioned that Jessica had turned. She was now head down. I was very surprised by this because I really didn’t think she had enough room to turn or that I would feel a lot of discomfort if she did turn since both girls were so big and I certainly didn't have any room left to stretch! John and I started talking and laughing about various things while Joyce continued her examination. I will never forget what happened next. Joyce put her hand on my arm and said “Becky, I’m afraid we have a problem.” I immediately looked at the screen and knew what she was saying. After having had so many ultrasounds throughout this pregnancy, I immediately recognized what I was looking at when I looked at the screen. She had the screen showing the lines for the heart rate and instead of being wavy like they always had been in the past, the lines were flat. She said, “’Baby B’ doesn’t have a heart beat.” All I could say over and over was “No, God, No!” John and I grabbed each other and sobbed and sobbed. I asked Joyce, “Are you sure?!” She offered to look again, but I told her no, I could see the lines. John and I cried for a long time. Finally one of the doctors came in to talk to us. We told her that we wanted to get Abigail out as soon as possible to make sure she was ok. Dr. Fairbrother told us that they had already called the hospital and they were expecting us. John drove us in his car while Mom and Jared followed in the van behind us. We made phone calls to my sister, my dad, John’s mom, John’s dad, and his best friend, James on the way to the hospital. We asked for Frank, who is a preacher, to pray for us and asked James, who lived nearby, to loan us a camera since we wanted to photograph the girls’ birth but didn’t have ours with us. Kathy was already at the hospital when we walked in. As soon as I saw her I fell apart all over again. Daddy and Lynn got there soon after we had checked in. We ended up having to wait until 9pm that night to deliver but thankfully Abigail came out beautiful and healthy and screamed with the most wonderful set of lungs when she was born. When Jessica came out, I looked to John and asked, “Is she?” and he said no, she wasn’t alive. I had held onto hope because even though I knew what I saw on the ultrasound, I kept feeling movement on her side of my belly during our drive to the hospital. We agreed later that it must have been Abigail pushing her. One of my most treasured photos is the one of Abigail and Jessica side by side in the operating room proving that through this nightmare, we really did give girth to two beautiful twin baby girls – Abigail Faith (7 lb 9 oz) and Jessica Lynn (7 lb 11 oz).



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..... clear throat, deep breath....

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Having cried through writing most of this, and again every time I re-read it and proof-read it, I must say I'm feeling better now. It's amazing how therapeutic writing really is. Anyway, I do hope that I can use my experience of losing Jessica to help other women suffering loss (today is just one of my weak days). I want people to know how wonderful God is. How loving He is. How he provides and is your strength when you need Him most. Through your weakness, God is glorified. And I thank Him so much for blessing us with even that brief time with our beautiful daughter, Jessica. She is my angel in heaven. And I am still the mother of four!